During 2020-21 I experienced a series of break ups from toxic relationships. Romantic, friendly and commercial. For some time I knew it had to be done, but I miscalculated the cost of moving on at once with all of them.
While considering myself a loner, I like some company, some of the time; usually ruthlessly curated. Of course I enjoy serendipitous encounters, but is not my norm.
Picture an already small social circle abruptly cut in most part: brutal.
The commercial ones were not hard: I considered the counterparts manipulative and untrustworthy.
The romantic one was difficult, since I had invested so much energy on it. It took me months to finally recover from the guilt I felt on allowing myself get involved on it.
The friendly one hit hard. It was an unexpected friendship that lasted more than a decade. We shared joys, fears, plans and much more.
On profound examination, all of them shared toxic traits. And something had to be done.
The cost of moving on, specially so fast, is to lose forever a part of yourself. Perhaps a needed loss, but a loss nonetheless.
But a loss is an opportunity for an encounter: with a new me.